As Kory grows more and more everyday, I realize the wonderful gift that God has blessed Keith and me with. Although sometimes Keith and I may disagree on the best path, we always have Kory’s best interest at heart. We realize the enormous task that God has put forth for us and that is to guide Kory to be a loving, productive and faithful person. I sometimes feel that our way of doing things, in particular in the area of discipline, is probably not the only way…however we both feel that it is the best way for our family. I do have very strong ideas on how I want to raise Kory, and sometimes I feel that these ideas are misconstrued and misunderstood. I encourage you all to open your minds and hearts and take a minute to see where we are coming from. The word discipline is actually derived from “disciple” which means to teach…I hope that is what we are doing; teaching Kory in a very loving and positive way. I feel that is what God wants us to do.
As a person who enjoys learning about people and psychological well-being of people, I have read and studied 100s of articles, opinions and book excerpts…some advocating corporal punishment, different definitions of spanking, and outlining step after step, all to reach the same conclusion….no matter when or how it is done, a spanking is the act of hitting your child. As a people, we all believe that hitting is wrong. When a bigger child hits a smaller one in the playground, to get his candy or his turn, we call him a bully... When a youth hits an old lady to get her purse, we call him a mugger... When a parent hits a child to make him or her obey, is it really any different? Maybe you will say it is different because that parent's motive is good. But, our society does not accept that “good motives” can make hitting people right. A policeman who hits a suspect behaves wrongly however focused he may be to solve a crime. The thing that really upsets me, a parent can hit a child as much as they want-without doing serious injury- however, if you hit anyone else it is considered assault.
If any spanking is wrong, all spanking must be wrong. Lots of parents agree that hitting children and causing real pain is wrong, but believe that what they do doesn't count because they only hit once, it is just a little tap or I did it for their own good. Now, there are different degrees of wrongness, of course, but as a parent how can I advocate or even agree with something that is causing intentional and real pain to a child when there are non-physical ways of implementing the same “teaching” lesson that a spanking is supposed to. Parents who use a quick spanking as part of their planned discipline, naturally don't like to think that their behavior has any connection with the behavior of cruel parents who actually abuse their children. But like it or not, we all have to face the truth which is that hurting a child on purpose is hurting a child on purpose, whether it's a little bit occasionally, or a lot, quite often. The difference between 'reasonable punishment' and 'cruel abuse' is only a matter of degree. It's a thin line and, wherever you choose to draw that line in your family, it is easily overstepped.
You know the thing that I found most interesting is that most of the time parents use spankings in order to “teach” their children something and no matter how well intentioned they are…research shows that spanking tends to decrease that goal! However carefully you tell a child why you are spanking, the reason often gets lost in the feelings the punishment produces. A baby or toddler is as amazed and horrified when a beloved parent spanks as you would be if the family dog suddenly turned around and took a chunk out of your leg. At that age a child will often turn to you to make the hurt better. This makes my stomach turn. I have the research. I will be happy to pass it along.
So, how can any well educated, well meaning and loving parents still be spanking-that is the question and I think I know the answer…the perception of other people and the fear that results from not knowing what else to do….raising children is not easy. Spanking is a world wide phenomenon-one that is slowing disappearing thank goodness, but it is one thing most all of us knows for sure. During times of frustration, which is many with a toddler, spanking is one thing we know that will stop the behavior quickly and is very simple. However, what else are we doing with that spanking? What else are we teaching our children? I do not think that most parents have bad intentions and I truly feel that our parents and others like Keith and I, do the best we can with what we know and the information and resources that are available at the time. Hindsight is 20/20! But, the good thing is it is 2007 and with all the forerunners in childhood development speaking against corporal punishment, how can anyone in good faith feel that this is the best for their family! I hope & encourage you to look beyond what you know and go beyond into the world of the unknown-that where corporal punishment is not welcome! I wish nothing but the best for your families and am hopeful that we can all help in creating hit free households with lots of loving discipline and guidance. Do it not only for yourself, but for your children and your family. Let's all come and work together to help make the world a less aggressive place.
This blog entry makes Keith feel a little nervous because friends and family from all over read and enjoy what is happening with our family. The feelings of nervousness come from feelings of anxiousness of what others might think of him. I feel that this is an important aspect of our family and I have felt for a long time the desire to explain my beliefs with others. I do think that there are often times more than one way to skin a cat and I do not feel inclined to PUSH my belief system on to anyone. I do hope that you can take some of the information that I have provided and at least think about it...that is the first step. I am also very proud of Keith. He has really stepped up and into the unknown world of disciplining a toddler and has been doing a really great job. He even was semi-supportive of me publishing this and for that I wanted to thank him. He is trying and that is the most important thing!
